It's official, I despise GAY MEN. For that matter, I don't really like GAY WOMEN either.
Amazing fashion sense? Ecstasy filled orgies? Great hair? I want it all.
But, now? I draw the line. I can't deal with a recent study that shows gay men are, on average, thinner than straight men. I couldn't even bring myself to read the article. I saw the headline and I was immediately disgusted.
How dare they? How can they do this?
On top of demanding equality in the land of freedom? On top of asking to be able to marry the person that they have fallen in love with? On top of trying to be able to adopt children and raise them in a loving environment?
How dare they?
The least they could do is be a bit overweight. They could look like an old high school football coach. They could look like the plumber that has his ass hanging out of his pants. They could look like the executive that always has his suit jacket unbuttoned.
But no!!!!!! They have to be in better shape than I am.
I can't compete with that. How are the women I'm trying to sleep with going to differentiate between a guy that's straight and ready to get them drunk in the hopes of groping them, albeit clumsily, in the car in the local watering holes parking lot and a guy that looks like he's got it all together and he's thinner then the possible drunken mistake they're going to make?
It can't happen.
There's no chance for a guy like me.
I'm in my mid thirties and recently divorced. Heading back in to the dating world, I'm looking for every edge I can.
Too many drinks? I'm there. Lowered standards because they've just been dumped? I'm your guy. Trying to teach their boyfriend a lesson? I'm sitting right here. Looking to get married and trying out every guy in the place just to see if he could be "the one"? That's me.
I'll take them all. I just need an opening.
You're angry? Me too. You're hurt? Me too. You're just trying to get someone to fondle you to make you feel better about yourself? That's me. I can do it all.
Now, here comes Joe Gay walking by and he's got great shoes, his hair looks amazingly messy, his shirt is the latest style, that belt buckle just tops off the outfit. Before you know it, the women are talking and relating to this guy because he's everything they want. Except, he's trying to pick up the same guys she is. Before it's too late, I'm out. I can't even buy her a drink because she's so wrapped up in conversations about the mall and what happened last week on The Real Housewives of New York to even realize that she's not going to get anything from this guy other than fashion advice (your bag doesn't match your shoes) and a couple of good recipes.
How dare they?
So, I can set my sights on another woman sitting to the left of me. Beautiful, long black hair, great body, perfect smile. She's the one. She sits quietly, sipping her drink and waiting for the guy that's going to sweep her off her feet.
TADA, I'm here.
Wait a minute. Here's an equally attractive woman walking up and sitting to the left of this one. They smile and each lean in to give the other a kiss that says they're more than just co-workers meeting to blow off some steam.
Damn it. Foiled again.
With all of these great looking homosexuals, how am I supposed to score?
I'm hoping that the government will wise up and let them all marry. That way the single people will be able to recognize those miserable sad souls that gave their life to another, because all of these thinner guys are ruining my dating life.